I remember my first Alanon sponsor (also a double winner with many years of sobriety) talking about self-respect and I could not get my head around how that had anything to do with promiscuity.  My libido is solid and I chalked it up to that.  Until I didn’t.  She also used to ask me a lot about how things made me feel and I had to be honest.  I knew the “right” answer but I didn’t actually feel those things.  I’m getting better at that but it’s been a lot of work. 

I used to be super sensitive and I just slowly checked out so that I wouldn’t get my feelings hurt anymore.  I also know exactly when I became almost completely devoid of emotion.  I’ve always been able to cry you a river for a sad movie or sad book or something sad for you, but not for me. Not until the guided psylocibin trip I took last year.

You’re going to have to trust me that all the interesting tidbits will get expanded upon before our time together is finished.  Like taking magic mushrooms at 58 by yourself other than your guide and a 120 pound Great Dane.  I loved that dog, she came over part way through my trip and wedged herself between me and the back of the couch.  It was cozy.

At some point I consciously made the decision to not remember things.  I feel like I was focused on not remembering trivial trivia kinds of things but what actually happened is that I inadvertently mastered the art of disassociation.  While it may have served me then it does not serve me now.  I have to say I’m a bit surprised that this is flowing so easily.  Maybe it’ll turn out to be nothing more than a tool I use for myself to reunite my selves.  Either that or performance art. 

I also did another weird thing, many weird things over the course of a lifetime, but this one was the first time I consciously remember assimilating myself into a situation just to see what was happening.  Culture surfing and perhaps not surprisingly it was addiction oriented.  I really am lucky to have an off switch.  I don’t take it for granted at all and I also don’t assume I’ll have it forever because it can be a slippery slope.  In addition to smoking pot and a bit of drinking (never my favorite) I took speed.  And laxatives for weight loss but that’s another thing you’ll have to wait for. 

Black beauties.  Anyway, there was some kind of support group for addiction I think with a local radio host.  I inserted myself into it and went to quite a few meetings but the truth of the matter is that I knew I had the off switch.  I knew I could stop.  And I knew I was only there because it was interesting.  At a certain point I outed myself to the group and stopped attending the meetings.  It was a complete violation of people’s privacy that I was there in the first place.  I was basically studying them.  I study people in the aggregate to this day but not by seeking out and inserting myself into situations.  It’s more like I find myself in situations and then I watch.  Like the NASCAR people.  Fascinating. 

My propensity to lead a double life had started and I didn’t even know it.